


Smeared Pages and Ripped Notes

by thenewnationalanthem (moxielovesshipping)



Series: Damn Near Platonic [20]
Category: Septiplier - Fandom
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Alcoholism., Books, Bookstores, Denial of Feelings, Depression, Emotional pain, Falling In Love, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Hugs, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kisses, M/M, Manipulation, Platonic Relationships, Realization, Sad, Self Confidence Issues, Self Harm, Self-Denial, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Suicide Notes, Trauma, Verbal Abuse, breaking up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-26
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-24 04:28:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10734126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moxielovesshipping/pseuds/thenewnationalanthem
Summary: The extension of Pages that people asked for.





	1. Notes

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Pages](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10645185) by [thenewnationalanthem (moxielovesshipping)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/moxielovesshipping/pseuds/thenewnationalanthem). 



> W O A H DOUBLE UPLOAD??? Yeah, I'm sweet like that. Anyways, this is the extended version of Pages that a few of you wanted. I'm also writing Can I Stand In The Rain which is for the faint of heart who can't take suicide or depression. I've gone through this experience before and i think its good to note that this is a possibility. Onwards.

Mark sees him almost everyday. He admires him from afar. The way his hair hangs softly in front of one eye. Those bright blue eyes that made you want to give him the world. The way his lips pout when he's thinking. The way he crosses his legs when he sits. Mark was by no means a stalker, nor was he gay, but something about this man drew him in. Maybe it was the green tint to his hair, or the way his jeans hugged his body. Maybe Mark was just lonely. Yeah, that was probably it. Whatever the reason may be, today Mark's mind told him to approach the green haired man, and that's what he did.

"Hey, do you come here often?" He said, and he mentally kicked himself for not coming up with anything better. The green haired cutie turned to him, flashing him an adorable toothy smile and he swore his heart stopped.

"Only on my good days." He replied, glancing back at the shelf for the book he wanted.

"I see you everyday though." Mark said, following the movement of his lithe hand, then glancing back to see the man staring at him. He fiddled with the cover of his book nervously, hoping he hadn't drove the poor man away.

  
"Oh? And what's yer name o' mysterious stalker of mine?" He questioned, and Mark was taken aback by the smoothness of his Irish accent.

"I'm Mark," He started, smiling as he found the book he wanted and cradled it into his arms against his chest. "But you can call me Mark."

The Irish cutie laughed quietly, then extended his hand to shake Mark's, still holding his novel close to his chest. "My name is Séan."

"Séan. What a cute name." Mark thought aloud, smiling at the man before him. "Well, Séan, so I don't seem like a _TOTAL_ creep would you like to join me for coffee?"

Séan thought for a second, then hesitated as he nodded his head. "Sure, I guess I have everything I want." He said, smiling lightly. Mark's eyes sparkled at the chance to get to know Séan, he was willing to take any opportunity he could get. They walked over to the café and Mark ordered two black coffees with cream, bringing them back to the table when they were ready. He watched Séan take a sip, then grimace as he added more sugar.

"Are you sure you need all that? You're already pretty sweet." Mark teased, and _GOD_ was that a terrible flirt. _Get it together Mark, you're an English professor for god's sake. Be poetic._ Fortunately for him, skinny Irish greenheads like puns, so Séan blushed furiously and chuckled. He rolled up his sleeves slightly, and Mark glanced down to follow the motion,only to be met with scars. He had lots of questions, theories and complaints, but those could wait so he looked back up at the crystal baby blues before him.

"It allows me t'keep up wit' fast talkers like yerself." He replied, sipping his coffee and flipping his book over so Mark couldn't see the title. Mark cocked an eyebrow, but said nothing. They talked for hours about everything and nothing at all until Séan stated that he had to go.  Mark agreed, so he exchanged phone numbers with him and gave him a hug goodbye. He intended on seeing him again tomorrow, and he hoped he'd see him more than that.


	2. Rough Drafts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A snippet of Jack's life with his ex girlfriend before he met Mark. There will be more of Jack's past in chapter 4, but for now let's focus on how he met Mark shall we? Hope you guys are enjoying this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Domestic Abuse, Homophobic Slurs

He saw him sometimes, not like he was looking for him. He was so easy to spot with the tuft of red hair in his head and a deep voice that rumbled through the store. That's what drew Jack to him. He was Jack's escape from reality, his own personal novel. Jack took note every time the stranger changed his hair color, or the way it was parted, or the way it was fluffed. He took note of the flannel he would wear every day, black and red, checkered. It was a short escape, but an escape nonetheless. He knew soon he'd have to go home. He'd have to go back to Annaise. He never went to his own home on his good days. She would always want him there, so she could use him in more ways than one. With a sigh, he unlocked the front door to  **her** apartment. She was waiting for him, tapping her foot impatiently.

 

"Sean," she would scold. "Ye need t'clean up this house. Ye only work part time and yer here more than me. Ye have time t'wash dishes and shite. Jaysus do ye do anything?" 

 

Sean looks down at his shoes, finding that the hardwood was more appealing than  **her.** "I know. M'sorry. But, I also have class and-" The first hit always hurt the most, even if he saw it coming. It reminded him every time of how much it hurt to be here. How much it hurt to be  _alive._ "I'm not  _askin'_ ye, I'm  _tellin'_ ya. If ye stop goin' to that damn bookstore and collectin' shite nobody has time for I wouldn't have ta. Book smarts won't get ye very far. And get dressed, ya look like shite." She replied, and Sean could feel the hot tears stinging his eyes.

 

He couldn't cry. He knew that. But he had to get out. Any way out. He could talk back. He could fight. It would hurt, but he could fight. "Annaise." He began, evening out his breathing to relax himself. She sighed loudly, taking a seat at the island in the kitchen and pouring herself a drink.

 

"What do you want  _now_ Sean." He winced at her harsh tone, but relaxed, fiddling with the hem of his hoodie to calm himself.

 

"I'm gay." 

 

The silence was deafening as he spat those words. He didn't know if it was completely true, but he knew that Annaise was a traditional woman, and she wouldn't want a **faggot** in her home.

 

"What." She asked, picking up he red liquid and walking towards him. Her heels clicked in the silence as Jack took another breath. "You're lying. You're just too weak to fight me."

 

"M'gay. I don't wanna be with ye anymore. I love someone else." He said in a hushed voice, shifting uncomfortably as thoughts of the redheaded stranger flash through his mind. "I never loved ye."

 

Annaise laughed, getting right into his face as her drunken breath washed over him. "Oh Sean, yer very funny. Ye think I've wanted you? Not for years now." She mused, then she threw her wine in his face, smirking. Her smirk turned to a frown when she saw Sean's angered expression before her. "Get t'fuck outta my house faggot, and don't ye ever come back. You'll regret this." She said as Sean felt the bile rising in his throat, the overwhelming sense of self hate making him nauseous. She pushed him, laughing as his cheeks stained with tears. "Go on! Out!"

 

He could hear her throw her glass at him as he ran out of the door. He stormed out to the most familiar place he could find. The bookstore. He burst through the door, the bell jingled fiercely  as he made a beeline for the bathroom. He cried against the stall, slamming his head back in a mix of anger and unbridled rage. He screamed into the sleeves of his hoodie, then took a deep breath. He lifted himself up and wiped his nose, sauntering to the sink to splash water onto his splotchy red face. He exited the bathroom, earning him some judgmental looks from the people around him. He couldn't find it in himself to care, he felt numb now. He walked over to the shelf, and searched for a title he had been eyeing for awhile.  _Suicide is weak. You're weak Sean. Man up._ Annaise's voice rang through his ears as his fingers caressed the spine of the book. A smile played on his face as he read the title, pulling the book off the shelf. Just as he had it in his hands, a familiar deep voice cleared itself, causing him to look up slowly. Before him was the man on his mind, up close and personal. 

 

"Hey, come here often?" He asked, and Jack nearly melted.

 

_Oh god._


	3. Love Interests

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark tells Wade about Sean. Things don't go the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this fiction guys, it means alot to me. This story is very personal and i just wanna get the word out. See you tomorrow glitches. Byeeee.

  
"-got green hair! Wade,he's _amazing_." Mark squeals as Wade sighs, rolling his eyes as he listens to his best friend ramble.

"Do you really even know anything about him, Mark?" He responds, and Mark nods his head happily.

"He used to be a waiter at his family's diner. He quit just a bit ago and now he works for himself."

"Doing what exactly?" Wade raises an accusatory eyebrow, and Mark simply shrugs.

"I don't know yet. Jeez Wade, I just met him today." Mark whines, propping his head up with his hand on the computer desk.

"Okay, whatever. Does he at least look nice? If you're gonna crush on a guy I at le-"

" _What?_ Wade I'm not crushing on him." Mark deadpanned, his face flooding red.

"Sure. Let's say that you're not. So, what does Mr. 'not my crush' look like?" Wade replied, rolling his eyes.

" _Séan_ ," Mark corrected. "His name is Séan."

" _Okay_ what does _Séan_ look like?" He asks, and Mark pulls up a photo of him from his phone (he **definitely** didn't go through his social media), sending it to Wade via Skype. "Oh yeah, you're totally gay for this guy. You have a photo of him saved in your phone???"

"As his contact photo- _ **ugh**_ -shut up Wade! This is why i can't tell you things." Mark pouted.

"Whatever. How are classes over there in Ireland? Any different than the good old USA?" Wade smiled at him teasingly.

"Very different actually. Better." Mark smirked, knowing Wade took pride in his teaching career.

"Sure it is. Next you're gonna try telling me you don't fantasize about this Séan guy in your sleep."

"Let it go!" Mark squeals, red tint returning to his face as he hides it.

"I'll drop it when it's not true. As much as I love teasing you, Molly needs me to help with dinner so I'll call you later okay? Keep me updated, loverboy."

"Great, maybe your hunger is affecting your judgement. You're clearly delusional if you think I'm gay."

"I never said you were gay," Wade smiles, screaming to Molly that he was on his way downstairs. "I said you were gay for 'Séan'."

Before Mark could reply, the Skype call ended, and he was left alone with his thoughts as he headed to his bed. He laid down and thumbed through his contacts until he saw a familiar face.

Me: Hey. It's Mark. Sorry I'm late.

He waited for a few minutes, listening for his phone. When he had decided to give up, it gave off a familiar ding, settling his nerves. Mark chuckled at the emoji, then sighed as he imagined the real slightly crooked smile Jack wore when he was amused.

Sean: Nah, I was still awake :)

Me: Cool. What's up?

  
Sean: Oh nothing, just gamin. U?

  
Me: Just thinking.

Mark sighed again. He couldn't like Séan, could he? He'd just met the guy today, but he'd been thinking about him since he met him. Is that weird? That's not weird. Oh right, he's texting.

  
Sean: What about? If you don't mind me asking.   
Sean: You don't have to answer if u don't wanna o.o

  
Mark chuckled at the two uses of the word you, his head still caught up in thought. Should he tell Séan the truth? That he's thinking about how fluffy his hair is, how smooth his skin must be, how soft his lips look. How they would-

  
Sean: Hello? Did you fall asleep? Sorry if I crossed a line.

Mark: No, sorry. Lost in my head again. To answer your question,I was thinking about nothing in particular. Just musings you know?

  
Sean: Oh yeah, totally! I do it all the time. Well, if you ever wanna talk, Im here.

  
Mark smiled at this, reading it over and over again as his heart fluttered inside his chest. Mark you can't fall in love with him. You won't fall in love with him.

Mark: I'd really like to talk tomorrow? My place, 2pm? I'll make you food :)

  
Sean: How can I say no to food? Sure. I don't have a car so could you meet me at the bookstore?

Mark: Of course. See you then :)

  
Of course Mark would meet him at the bookstore. He always would.

 

 


	4. Writers Block

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack spends an evening at Mark's house and nearly has a breakdown. Can Mark help?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand here we get to see the first real sign of Jack's unstable mental health. It's important to realize that although his relationship with his ex girlfriend isn't the full reason for his depression, it is a trigger for this particular episode. Also, I don't know anything about his parents, these parents are based on the parents that the person I knew had. Also, just an FYI, Jack refers to himself as Jack, everyone else refers to him as Sean. Also, he refers to himself as Sean when talking about Annaise. It's confusing, I know, just let it happen.

Jack walks around the bookstore, running his fingers up and down the spines of books. The owner knew him very well, they've known him his whole life. They were more of his parents than he actual parents were. Sometimes, after he would receive beatings from his Catholic father, he would run down to the bookstore to cry. Jessie, the owner's wife, would come comfort him in the corner, telling him everything would be okay. Eventually, his parents forbid him from visiting the bookstore, they told him that it was useless. He was needed at the home, for chores and dishes. If he was going to be a  **faggot** then he needed to act like a woman. At least, that's what his father told him. His mother never hit him, but she only watched when his father would come in in a drunken stupor, rip off his belt and beat him til he bled. 

 

"How are you, Jack?" Jessie says, approaching him with a smile. He smiles back at the usage of his nickname. He hated when people used his given name. Well,  _most_ people.

 

"I'm good, how are you Mrs. Welsh?" He responds. Though he's known her for years, he still respects her age.

 

"M'I t'at old t'at yeh've gotta call me Missus? By jaysus do the years fly by!" She squeals, making Jack laugh as some patrons shush her. "Oh shut it er I'll get me husband to kick ye out." She giggled, making the customers smile.

 

"Sorry, Jessie. Is Mr. We- _Arden_ okay?" He corrects himself, and she beams at him.

 

"Crotchety as always, but ye, he's fairing well. What brings ye here today? Got anythin' good yer lookin' fer?" She says, motioning towards the entire store.

 

"No, just waiting on a friend to meet me here." He smiles crookedly at her as she raises an eyebrow.

 

"Aye, wouldn't be t'at American boy I always see starin' at ye would it?" She smirks, crossing her arms as Jack blushes. He opens his mouth to speak, but hears the front door jingle. "Speak o' th' devil." She says, smiling at Mark as he walks through the door. 

 

"Hey, Sean, sorry I'm late." Mark says breathily, then he looks up at Jessie and smiles. "Hi, sorry if i interrupted." Jack watches as he extends his hand towards her and she glances at Jack as she takes it.

 

"Two years yeh've been comin' in my store and  _now_ ye speak." She teases, making Mark blush.

 

"Oh let 'im be Jessie. Ye ready?" Jack says, feeling a bit more comfortable in his skin around an old friend. Jessie giggles and lets his hand go.

 

"Uh, oh, yeah! Sure!" Mark replies, and Jack laughs at his eagerness as he waves bye to Jessie, walking out into the cool air with Mark.

 

"Sorry fer makin' ye walk." He says, and Mark seems a bit startled.

 

"Huh? Oh, no problem, walking is good for you right?" He replies, and Jack chuckles and nods. 

 

"Yeah." They walk in silence until they approach a large apartment building. 

 

"This is me, here I'll-" He says, maneuvering so he can hold the door open for Jack, who thanks him in advance. 

 

"Such a fancy place." Jack says, smiling timidly.

 

"Ah, it's even better when your neighbors are jerks." Mark replies, pressing the elevator button for them. They make it up to Mark's floor in no time, at which Mark opens the door for Jack yet again.

 

"Yer a gentleman." Jack laughs, and Mark guffaws.

 

"Sometimes." He says, and he almost looks thoughtful. Jack takes a seat on the couch as Mark goes to prepare their food.  _Things are going well,_ he thinks.  _Don't fuck it up._ As soon as he thinks, he hears a crash.  _Glass._ He thinks. His entire body tenses as his mind races with thoughts of Annaise throwing wine glasses.  _"Failure. Loser. Weak. **Faggot.** " _Is all he hears ringing through his ears. He doesn't register that he's crying until he feels a hand touch his shoulder. He flinches back, doe eyed and backing away. "Please,  _please_ don't hit me...I didn't mean it! I didn't mean it..." He sobs, and he feels large arms curling around him. He evens his breathing as he recognizes the scent of pine and cologne,  _Mark. Mark is hugging me._ He thinks, and he returns the embrace.

 

"Are you okay?" He hears Mark say. He doesn't trust his words, so he only nods, hoping Mark will never let him go. "Anything I can do to help?"  _Why does he want to help me? I'm worthless._ Jack thinks, but he won't say it out loud. He won't scare him away. Not yet. He'll try. Soon Mark lets him go, and Jack wipes his eyes with his hoodie sleeves. 

 

"Thank ye. And no, not really. Did ye break something?" Jack asks, and Mark glances before realizing he's spoken to him.

 

"Oh-oh yeah. Sorry, I dropped a plate is that what...what upset you?" Mark looked into his eyes to find his answer, but Jack nodded yes anyways. "I'm sorry." 

 

"It's okay." Jack says, even though it's far from okay. He  _just_ met Mark and he's already crying in his arms.  _What a disaster._ "Can we eat now? M'starvin'." 

 

Mark chuckles at him softly and points to the plates in front of them filled with spaghetti and garlic bread. "Sure, dig in." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for bearing with me through this sad, sad fiction. In the next chapter, Mark feels like he's losing his mind and he finds the cause to be Jack. Why though?


	5. Primary Source

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This story and Rain weren't even so heres a chapter xD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feels and more feels. I love you guys so much.

  
They had an amazing night together, aside from Séan's breakdown. Séan complimented his food and place alot, and Mark began to wonder how his home looked. Séan spoke to him alot, but Mark barely listened. It wasn't like he wasn't interesting, Mark was sure he was, but he was fixated on his looks, as always. Mark isn't shallow, nor is he superficial, but god Séan was breathtaking. At some point last night, Séan had asked if Mark was okay. And Mark laughed. He didn't know why, but something about the guy he's been staring at for 2 years asking him if hes okay was a bit of a hilarious situation. _What is wrong with me?_ Mark wondered as he woke up in the morning, forcing himself out of bed. Séan had left around 8 last night, saying that he had important business to attend to. Mark felt a pang in his heart as he left, and he didn't miss the uneasy look on Séan's  face. He wanted so desperately to ask about his scars. About how on edge he'd look sometimes. About...other things. Something's wrong, and Mark knows it.

Mark sighed, going into his bathroom and brushing his teeth, scrubbing his face with his washcloth after. He stared at himself for a bit, and noticed that there were dark spots forming around his eyes. Hm, must be allergies. Yeah, that's it. He went to the kitchen, finding his phone had been abandoned there last night, and opened up the patio curtains, summer pouring in through the windows. He started himself a pot of coffee and checked his texts, beaming as he realized Séan had texted him earlier. 

  
Séan: G'mornin :) Sorry if i wake you up XP

He laughed at the overuse of smiley's as he typed his reply. His face was red. Huh. That was weird. Definitely allergies.

Mark: you're an early bird! How are you today?

Séan: Im well.

Mark furrowed his brows at the shift in Séan's demeanor. What happened in 3 hours that made him so upset? He should call him. Yep. Call him. The phone rang until he heard a quiet cough and sniffle on the other end of the call.

"Hello?" Séan said, and Mark took an uneasy breath of relief.

"Are you okay?"

"Uh, yeah M'fine. I thought i texted ye that." Jack said, void of emotion. "Why?"

"Oh, I was just worried..." Why? Mark thought as he turned off his coffee. "You didn't overload me with emojis like usual."

"Ah." Was all he got in response. Followed by, "Well, can I-" Séan cut himself off with a gag, then more coughing and sniffling. Mark's heart dropped. Was he hurt? Sick? _Dying?_

"Are you sure you're okay?" Mark said, frantically now, biting his lip.

"M'fuckin' fine! Jaysus I'm a fuckin'-ack!" He hears Séan squeal, then he hears silence.

"Séan. Where are you." Mark says slowly, his breathing uneven and shaky. "What's wrong." Then he hears crying. Shrill and painful,and he almost cries too.

"It hurts Mark...it just hurts so bad...I gotta go...I'll call you back later." Séan says, and Mark wants to believe him, but he can't. He has to see him. _He has to._

"Meet me at the bookstore. Asap. Please?" He says, his voice calming and smoothing. "I need to see you...I need to see you're okay." He finishes, voice breaking.

"Okay. Okay. I'll meet ye there in five. M'sorry to worry ye." Séan says, and Mark can feel his anger bubbling up again.

"Five minutes." Is all he says, then the line clicks. He throws on a shirt and pants, running a hand through his hair because he doesn't care how he looks. He grabs his keys and wallet, running down the stairs to the door. He curses all the way to the bookstore, tapping his fingers impatiently on his wheel. He should've walked. He hears his phone bing and he scrambles to pick it up.

Séan: I'm here.

  
He exhales deeply, a breath he never knew he was holding and forces himself out of the car, bursting through the bookstore to see Séan sitting at a coffee table in the corner. His body is paler than usual, and his eyes are dull, but he finds it in himself to smile at Mark. And all Mark can do is sit down and cry. His smile drops and his eyebrows knit together. "Mark? What's wrong?" He hears Séan say, and he looks up to see those blue eyes staring back at him.

"I...I don't know." Mark sniffles, hyperventilating almost. "I...are you okay?" He says frantically, and Séan looks at him as if they never shared a phone call.

"I told ye I'm fine. Is that why ye called me up here?" He states coldly.

"Yes....yes and I'm sorry. I got worried." Séan's expression softens, and he sighs.

"M'fine. Sometimes...sometimes life gets hard. And it's hard to accept changes y'know? Good er bad. This..." He motions between them both, "Is a big change. Just overwhelmed me. I don't mean to worry ye."

Mark gets up from his chair and slides into the booth where Séan is, pulling him into a tight hug. His heart fills to the brim with relief, and he says all he can think of saying. 

"I love you." He hears Séan gasp and sniffle, holding him tighter.

"Love ye too."

And for now, Mark let it be, because he had no idea what he meant by that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is where shit gets rough. Strap in guys. Its a wild ride from Jacks POV.


	6. Secondary Source

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack thinks about his meeting with Mark, and spends the night in the bath tub dealing with his anger and frustration.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Self Harm, Blood, Self Depreciation? If that triggers anyone.

Mark could never love him. Could he?  _No. Of course not, stupid boy._ His mind told him as he walked through the cold from the restaurant after his meeting with Mark. They sat there for awhile, crying until Jessie came to check on them. Then they went out to dinner, Mark's treat, and Mark bought him a gift. He pulled the little trinket out of his hoodie pocket as he approached his door, examining it as he put the key in the lock. 

 

"Oh. Hey _Sean_." A voice called out, and he quickly shoved the small silver book back into his hoodie, spinning around to see who called him. His breath caught in his throat when he saw his ex girlfriend standing next to him, her heels tapping on the pavement. Her eyes were droopy, and Sean could tell she was drunk. He grit his teeth, rolled his eyes, and turned back to his door without a word. "Hey! I know ye heard me ye fuckin'  **faggot**." Jack turned to her, fire in his eyes. 

 

"Go  _ **away**_ Annaise. Haven't ye done enough." He says, jinging his keys so she can't get into his apartment. She pushes him from behind, making him slam his face on the door. "I don't have to listen to ye. I can do whatever I fuckin' want. Yer parents must be so fuckin' disappointed in ye." She teases, shoving him constantly. His anger and pain build up inside of him and he begins to shake. "G'won then! Do somethin' ye pussy!" She screams, and he does the only thing he's ever wanted to do. He swings around, raising his hand, and forcing his fist forward, knocking her to the ground. He covers his mouth, gasping as he backs away. She lays there, unconscious on the sidewalk, bleeding slightly from the fall. He shakes his head, his breathing eradicated until he saw her chest slowly rise and fall.  _She's still alive._ He thinks, and he doesn't dwell on the fact that that disappoints him somehow. He goes into his home, and shuts the door, breaking down behind it. His face was stained with tears as he walked through the house, shedding his clothes as if they were burning him. He sobbed more as he ran his bathwater, grabbing his razor off the sink and sinking his body into the scalding water. He heard his phone ring, and that made him sob more. The ringtone was all too familiar. 

 

**_"What went wrong, we both know that you're not here, this is where you haunt and it's kept me in fear for far too long..."_ **

 

The first cut always hurt the most, it was always the deepest. He watched as the blood filled the tub, the scalding water making it burn more to him.

 

_**"Now you hide like the ghost, the ghost we both know, i'm the taste on your tongue, the taste you can't spit out..."** _

 

He kept slicing, running out of room on his arms and moving to his legs. He had stopped sobbing, and his mind was racing as he continued to slice into his skin, his heart clenching as the pain became unbearable.  _You deserve this. You're worthless. Your parents are disappointed. You'll never be enough for anyone._ He screamed as the water turned cold, choking out dry sobs as his body drained. His phone rang again, but he was too weak to try to get up. 

 

**_"Please come home again...let me show you i'm good enough for your love..."_ **

 

With one last sleepy gasp, he only got out of the tub to look at himself in the mirror.  _Disgusting._ He thought as his hair clung to his face. He opened the medicine cabinet, sliding onto the floor and popping at least four pain pills. They would dull him...for now. He grabbed the gauze weakly and wrapped his legs and wrists, then hauled himself slowly and slipped his his shirt on. He glanced at his phone. 

 

(5) Missed calls from Markimoo

(16) Texts from Markimoo

(1) Voicemail from Markimoo

 

He got into bed, and played the voicemail, making himself comfortable. As Mark's frantic voice played through the phone, Jack began to drift off.

 

_"I'm worried about you, Sean. I need to know you're okay, I want to help you. Please, answer you phone, or at least, meet me at the bookstore tomorrow? We can go out to eat even, or-or you can come back to my place just please...Sean I don't know what this new feeling is but...I love you. Call me back, okay? Bye."_

 

Jack made a silent sob until he finally succumbed to the side effects of the pills and fell asleep. He wanted to believe Mark, he really did. But you can't love someone who's broken. At this, his mind laughed at him. He was  _definitely_ beyond repair. He would meet Mark tomorrow though, at the bookstore. He always would.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be kinda fluffy, we finally get to see some cute times between the guys! Prepare for comforting!mark and crying!jack.


	7. On Protagonists.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some adorably supportive Mark and slightly nervous Jack to prepare you for the ending for this story. We're taking a wild ride in the last 3 chapters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jack and Mark visit the mall, and Mark wants to go broke for Jack.

  
Mark waits for Jack, like he's done for months now. Sometimes they'd go to dinner, to movies, and sometimes just meet up at the bookstore and have coffee. Mark would always ask him about his day, his life, his world as if it was the most important thing in the universe, but Jack never felt inclined to tell him anything,and that was okay with Mark. Anything Jack did was okay with Mark, because Mark loved Jack. He didn't know how, and he didn't know why, but he loved Jack...with everything he had.

"Top o' the mornin'!" He hears, shaking him of his thoughts. He looks up to see the man of his dreams, illuminated by the evening dew and fog. How Jack manages to look beautiful in any setting, Mark may never know. "Mark?" He hears, and he blushes as he focuses back on Jack.

"Sorry, lost in thought. You ready?" He says, pushing himself off of Séan's apartment wall and walking standing up straight. Hah, _straight_. What a funny word nowadays. Séan gave him a weary smile and nodded his head yes, following Mark to his car. They drove in silence until they made it to the mall, and Séan seemed on edge. "What's wrong? We don't have to do this if you don't want to."

"M'fine. I promise. Just been awhile since I've...had friends." Séan says sighing,and Mark swears he could cry. He gives him a motivational smile and turns off the car.

"Well you're stuck with me now." Mark says,a newfound truth in his voice. A sound he only spoke when he was talking with his students about literature he loved. "I'll never leave you." Séan gave him another smile and opened his car door, stepping out with Mark into the cold air. Sometimes, Mark noticed that Séan looked paler. He noticed the limp in Séan's walk, and the winces he made when Mark would touch him. He would ask, but he knew Séan wouldn't tell. They had days where Mark would worry too much, but Séan made sure to text him everyday. They met up after Mark got done with classes everyday, and stayed together until dark. They entered the mall, and Séan tensed again. Mark tentatively took his hand, tangling his fingers within his, and sighing. Séan gasps in shock, but looks at Mark and smiles. "I'm here. I'm always here." And god did Mark mean that. They drifted through stores, Mark buying shirts and making jokes and Séan laughing at him. Sometimes they got too close, and that was okay with Mark. Sometimes Mark would hold Séan by his waist, and that was okay with Mark. Sometimes Séan would kiss his cheek,then blush madly, and that was _definitely_ okay with Mark. "Are you hungry?"

  
"Ye," Séan muses, glancing around as he adjusts the bag of hoodies Mark just bought him on his arm, "I could eat. I'll pay for m'food." He said, and Mark felt a tightness in his throat as he nodded. He wanted to give Séan the entire world, and if that meant food, so be it. Mark wanted to buy Séan everything, and he had no idea why. _Because you love him_. He muses as they sit in the food court. They eat in slight silence, and a girl approaches them that Mark recognizes as one of his students.

"Hi Mr. Fischbach!" She squeals, waving as she bounces towards them. Séan takes a sharp inhale, but continues to eat.

"Hi Nathalia. Please, we're in public, it's Mark." He says. She laughs and then glances at Séan, who's trying his best not to be recognized.

"Who's your friend, Mark?" She asks, and Mark pauses. What does he introduce Séan as? He's not asked him out,but it feels like a relationship. _He wants to be in a relationship with him._ Then again, he doesn't wanna put Séan in a difficult spot.

"This is Séan," he settled on, and he looks up, red faced.

"Jack actually," Séan corrects, and Mark frowns a bit. Maybe Jack was a nickname. Did he prefer that? "I'm Jack."

"Nice t'meet ya Jack! Well,I'll letcha get back to eatin'." Nathalia says,and she waves goodbye to them both, moving on to the next store.

"She was nice." Séan grumbles,and Mark can't miss the hint of jealousy.

"She is. She's a student of mine. Very talented." Mark replies, and they continue eating in silence. A few bites later, they throw away their food trash and begin to head towards the front door. They get into the car, and Jack stares out the window.

"Are you okay? I hope that wasn't too much..." Mark asks, and Séan looks startled. His face settles on a solemn look, and he stares at Mark.

"What am I to ye?" Séan says, and Mark raises an eyebrow as they stop at Séan's house.

"What do you mean?"Mark asks, and Séan sighs.

"What is... **this**?" He motions between them,and Mark gasps audibly.

"Oh, uh. What do _you_ want it to be?" He asks, and Séan looks quizzical for a bit.

"I dunno. I'll get back to ye Markimoo." He says with a smile and kisses Mark's cheek. "G'nite Mark." He says, but Mark isn't listening. He pulls Séan into a full blown kiss, and Séan's bright blue eyes blow wide. He doesn't know what he's doing, but he feels _right_. Hm. Maybe he is gay. Or, maybe he's just gay for Séan. He pulls away with a small smack,and Séan is blushing furiously...but he's also crying. Mark begins to panic. "Did I misread this?" Mark says. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No...no yer doin' everything right." Séan says, smiling wearily and touching Mark's face." _God_ what am I gonna do with ye." He finishes as he gets out of the car, leaving Mark a smiling mess in the drivers seat. Yeah, he's definitely gay for Séan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter...next chapter is the part everyone hates. See you then <3


	8. On Antagonists.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack does some thinking and makes a final decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:***SUICIDE***

Jack shut the door smiling, thinking about his wonderful day with Mark. He took tentative time to hang up his new hoodies, running his hands against each of them to make sure this was all real. He texted Mark thank you, and then went to strip off his clothes to lay in bed. Just as he finished,his phone dinged, and he bounced across the bed to check it.

Mark: I'm home safe ;) and you're welcome. Are you doing okay?

Jack shook his head laughing he responded that he was fine, then opened his bedside drawer to pull out a familiar book. His fingers traced the raised words on the cover as he read the title.

**By The Time You Read This, I'll Be Dead.**

Another smile played on his lips as he heard his phone ding one last time.

  
Mark: Okay, awesome :) I'm gonna get some sleep. Do you wanna go on a walk with me and Chica tomorrow?

His smile wavered only slightly, but he agreed. He always did. With that, he laid his phone down and curled up, reading his book. Pages went by, and he felt a familiar darkness looming over him. He read and read, and sighed as he finished the book, taking a pause then throwing it against his wall in rage. Why would he do this to himself? _Because you're stupid. You know what you need to do. You cant lie to Mark any longer. You need to let him go._ When had Jack's eyes started watering? _Leave him be. He can find someone else. Someone better._ When had he found a pen and paper? _He will never love you._ And just like that, Jack was writing his final words. He couldn't live like this anymore. The fear of loving someone. The fear of someone loving him when he could never give them all they want. The trust, the equality that went into a relationship, Jack didn't have. He scrawled out in messy handwriting his thoughts and feelings for the only person he thought would care. He told him about the first time they met, and all the things he did in between. He spared him the gory details about the scars, but always reminded him about memories they shared. He voiced questions he knew he would never get to ask Mark, things that he'd been to scared to ask all along. Most importantly, he wanted to let Mark know how much he meant to him. He never wanted Mark to blame himself for Jack's failure. He never wanted Mark to get involved to begin with. With a heavy sigh, he folded the letter in half, sealing it behind the title of the book he planned to give Mark the next day. He curled up under his covers then, letting the deafening sounds of his own sobs fill the lonely air around him.

The next day, Mark and Jack met up at the park. Mark wanted to take his dog, Chica, for a walk and had invited Jack along with him. As they sat under a tall tree, watching the retriever run around happy in the grass, Jack opened his satchel and pulled out a square package wrapped in brown paper.

  
"What's this?" Mark said as Jack handed it to him, giving him a small smile. Jack would miss that smile more than anything else.

  
"Just a gift, fer ye spendin' time wit me the past few months." Jack mused, passing off the gift to Mark. "Don't open it until ye get home though, i want ye to call me later." Mark beamed, and Jack could've cried right then. But he couldn't, he had to stay strong for the man he loved.

"I'm sure I'll love it. I love you." Mark said, and Jack fought the tears building up behind his eyes. Soon the sun set, and the two parted ways with Mark promising to see him tomorrow. Jack only responded with a soft smile and a tight hug, knowing it was the last time he would get to hear those words again.

That night, while he was sure Mark was busy or sleeping, he wandered out to the bridge his mother used to take him to. When he was younger,they would stand over it in the early morning, and watch the sunlight hit the water. He climbed the railing tentatively, his breathing evening out. He was scared. He was hurting. But he was sure this was the answer. He closed his eyes as he fell forward, blocking out the familiar sound of his phone ringing that surrounded him. He never thought he'd call. His mind raced through all his abuse, all his failure, all his misdeeds. He hit the water with a hard thump, and his body began to panic. Did he want this? It didn't matter now. He deserved this. As his air thinned,the last thing on his mind was the man he loved. He thought about those magnificent brown eyes, the everchanging fluff on the top of his head. That smooth baritone voice that rumbles when he laughs. His soft, tanned skin that felt amazing around Jack. He could have sworn he heard Mark calling him now, but it didn't matter. _I love you Mark._ He thought as his vision disappeared. _I'm sorry_. Then his body went limp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 more chapters and this will be finished, bear with me on this guys. This is the last chapter from Jack's POV, so that's why i used some of his lines from the original Pages. Next chapter, Mark's perspective of this day.


	9. Falling Action

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark's POV of the last chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:****IMPLIED/REFERENCED SUICIDE****

  
He's concerned. He's _panicking_. He had just gotten home from a nice da- _hangout_ with his _friend_ Séan who had given him a gift, with strict instructions to call him when he arrived home and opened it. Mark had gotten Chica all settled in, and was sitting on the edge of the bed when he rang Séan's familiar number. _No answer. That's weird._ His brain said, but he shook it off and called again as he unwrapped the brown paper. _Still no answer. Something is wrong._ He thought. He frowns to himself as the items are revealed. A book, the one Mark recognized as the one Séan was looking at the day he met him. His mind was setting off warning bells, and something told him to _open the book_. So he did. He cracked it open and it looked barely used. Inside, a small item was tucked away behind the cover of the book, along with what looked like a note. Mark's gut gave him a bad feeling as he pulled out the small, twine like bracelet and the sheet of paper. He sniffed the bracelet, and it smelled like _Séan_. Then he unfolded the paper, and his heart dropped. _A suicide note._ He immediately got up, throwing on his clothes as he read the note, grasping all the clues he could. _The bridge_. He read. _He's at the bridge_. He turned on his car, speeding as fast as he could. Séan had talked about the bridge before, and Mark had thought his fascination was weird, but didn't dwell on it. When he parked his car, he could hear crying in the distance. _Séan_. He needed to find him. He needed to let him know he _wanted_ Séan. He _needed_ Séan. _He loved Séan._ He was running. Out of breath. He saw a green tuft of hair and he called after him.

"Séan!" He called out. No answer.

 

He was closer. He'd make it in time. He knew he would.

 

"Séan stay put!" He screamed. He was right at the bridge when he saw it. The green tuft of hair disappeared.

Séan disappeared.

 _He was right there_. Mark thought as he watched Séan drop.

 

He ran up to the railing. Still screaming.

"Séan please! _Please_..." He said, but he knew it was too late.

He heard Séan hit the water with a thud. " **Please**..." He begged to anyone that was listening.

To anyone that could help.

 

He fell to the ground, tears falling from his face as he held the note in one hand, bracelet secure on his wrist. " _I love you..._ " He said as cars began to stop behind him, voices swirling around him and asking him if he was okay.

He couldn't answer.

Couldn't help.

Couldn't move.

He could only let two words fall from his mouth as his last shred of sanity was ripped away.

 

" _I'm sorry._ "

 

He remained still as a bystander lifted him off the ground. As the cops asked him questions, he found himself at a loss for words. As days went on, he found himself visiting the bookstore less and less, not at all in fact.

People tried to contact him. He wouldn't answer.

Sometimes he'd call Séan, just to hear the lithe voice he loved. Afterwards he'd cry for hours on end.

 

Sometimes he'd visit the bridge.

 

Sometimes it was all too much.

 

He had made a memorial for Séan, and he had set it up on a corner of the bridge. The photo he had saved to his phone, the one of Séan smiling with smudges all over his face from working, sat up tall next to a beam. Around it, Ambrosias. _The love you had was reciprocated._ The nursery owner had told him. That seemed most fitting. He didn't know how, or why, but he loved Séan, and he always would. Whether he was dead or alive, Mark could always see those gorgeous eyes when he drove past the memorial on his way to work. Those blue eyes he fell in love with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is lighter I guess? It's the final one, and it's a flash forward so that's good. Also it's important to note that in this fanfic Mark doesn't move on. He just stays in a depressed limbo, and it represents Jack kinda being reincarnated inside of Mark.


	10. Pages

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of all things. This was an amazing thing to write and i really hope i got my point across. Sometimes no matter how hard you try, things don't work the way we plan. But suicide is never the answer, and if you know someone that is feeling like this or shows signs of severe depression, try your best to help. Encourage them to talk or get help elsewhere before its too late. Anyway here we are weeks after the suicide. This is Mark reflecting on things. You can follow me these places to submit ideas or prompts or just to see my goofy face.
> 
> Tumblr: moxiesykes  
> Facebook: Moxie Craft  
> Instagram: littledystopianinkmachine  
> Snapchat: tinyinkmachine  
> Twitter: tinyinkmachine
> 
> Thanks so much. Have a good one guys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mark met Jack in a bookstore.

_Remember when we met in the bookstore? You came up to me, and asked me if i came here often. I'd seen you before, plenty of times, and you always looked so happy to be there. I told you i only come on my good days, and you told me you see me everyday. I laughed and asked you your name, and you told me Mark. Do you remember that? I do. I also remember telling you my real name. I never do that. The way "Sean" rolled off of your tongue made my heart flutter with happiness. You let me sit with you, and you ordered us both coffee with sugar. You laughed when i added more sugar. You said "Are you sure you need all that? You're sweet enough." I remember that, because it made me smile. I didn't smile often, Mark. I remember we talked for ages, about nothing at all. I remember you staring at my scars, when you didn't think i noticed. At first, i figured they'd repulse you. I never expected you to stay. I was hoping you'd leave that day, but i knew it was crush me if you did. I remember that night, i went home and cried myself to sleep. Because i knew no matter how many times i saw that gorgeous smile, heard that goofy laugh, felt those strong arms hug me goodbye and hello, i'd never feel different. I remember days after that, you'd meet with me at the bookstore, and you'd ask me the same question. You'd say "have i seen you here before?" And it never failed to make me laugh. I think the best memory i have, though, is making YOU laugh. Other people, i could never make them laugh. My parents, they scolded me, hated me because i was different, because i would hurt myself on purpose. I was hurting at one point, but after so much of something, you get numb. I was numb Mark, for so long, and i wanted to feel again. You made me feel, so much, TOO much, it was overwhelming. Then, seeing you smiling, laughing at jokes i'd make about books, Irish phrases I'd say, faces i'd make, it broke my heart. It broke my heart because i knew i'd pulled you in too deep. I made you do something i thought i could never do again. I made you love me. That's why I'm writing you this. Because i love you, Mark. I care about you so much. You're so much more than just a pretty face in a bookstore, and i'm sorry we couldn't get to know each other better. I figured if i told you too much, you'd leave just like everyone else. I couldn't let you leave.  Not like this. Believe me when I say I'm sorry. I never wanted things to end like this, but all things end. Please don't make this be the end of your story. You have so many blank pages, and i was so happy to be in one chapter of your life._

Mark's hands shook as his legs dangled over the edge of the silent bridge, tears falling onto the paper scrawled on by shaky handwriting. He inhaled, watching the cars below zoom by, oblivious to the absence of light in the world. He felt angry, he felt lost, he felt sad, he felt hurt. He knew the writing continued on the back, so he closed his eyes, breathed again, and flipped it over.

  
_But all good novels, like good things, end somehow. Unfortunately, my ending isn't a good one. The bad sometimes outweighs the good, Markimoo,_

Mark's breath hitched slightly at the nickname, tears falling faster down his face as he broke into a full on sob. Only Séan could call him that and make him cry.

_And this time, the bad won. There are so many things i wondered about you before i jumped. What happened to your parents? What made you move to L.A.? What made you ever fall in love with me? But, my own derailed thoughts pushed those aside. Telling me i wasn't good enough for you, that you were only being a good person. No matter how many I love you's or you're amazing's you said to me...it never mattered. I'm sorry Mark, but i have to go. Please remember me, because i'll always remember you._

_-Jack._

  
The note ended there, coated in the tears Mark had cried a dozen times. He screamed against the rails, sobbing violently as he clutched the letter in his hands. After about an hour of crying, he got up, wiped his face, and walked back to his car. He sat there for a second, staring forward in deep thought. He thought back to the bookstore, and how he and Jack had met. All the things he said had been true, and Mark loved Jack to pieces. He slammed his head onto the steering wheel violently, sobbing again. Clips of Jack smiling and talking flashed through his head, his Irish infliction rang through his ears, his deep blue eyes locked in his mind forever. How he would never get to see them in person again. He lifted his head up, looking over at the book next to him. He ran his thumb over the cover of the book, his tears falling once again. He took the note, placing it back where it was, folded into the cover, behind the title of the book.

  
**By The Time You Read This, I'll Be Dead.**

  
Mark threw his head back with a sigh as he heard his phone ring. Wade. He had been out here crying for hours, and it was time to go home again. He played with the twine like bracelet on his wrist and gave one last look to the small memorial on the bridge. One last look into those crystal blue eyes, and he started his car. He knew he'd see him again one day, he comes here quite often.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This concludes the platonic septiplier series you guys. I hope it was all you expected it to be and im glad i could write 20 stories worth. These were all the ideas i could write without it taking up a major amount of my time but youre welcome to check out my other writings if you please and if not well i hope you enjoyed this. Peace off <3

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Old Fables](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12015984) by [thenewnationalanthem (moxielovesshipping)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/moxielovesshipping/pseuds/thenewnationalanthem)




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